11. alleyways

One of the most haunting questions I’ve battled is, am I enough?

Do I create enough,

give enough

accomplish enough

Have I seen enough of the world

am I living enough

does this person love me enough

am I good enough

am I worth enough?

The standard for how those questions were answered, differed depending on how they were held up to the light. Changes and uncertainty of the results caused a tightly wounded sense of striving and a distinct lack of contentment or peace within me. The greatest definition of contentment I’ve heard is, knowing that you are right with God, and that all has been reconciled. Something I was never sure of either, no matter the light it was held up to.

My soul groaned, aching all the more after my uncle’s funeral, for some assurances to these questions, but all I could ever seem to do was hid in fear that I simply was just not enough to anybody or for any purpose. Being seen and discovered as so terrified me, and I resorted to slipping through cracks, putting up facades, and shifting under the cover of night to find new hideouts to lay low in and avoid any definitive verdict.

The best piece of advice I’d been given…to know who you are…came with the added token, that when you do, there is freedom and an ability to celebrate your identity.

I am enough because God says so all over the Bible and demonstrated undeniably so by sending His one and only son Jesus to die in my place, the death that was meant for me. Although this is cause for joy that deserves to be abided in, shouted on the mountain tops, and shared across the nations; my wavering stance to understand what exactly it meant in relation to who am I and why am I here, caused a search in all the wrong places for an identity and security to answer all of my haunting questions.

I had finally realized that I was lost and in need, but to be found out as so did not seem like the best choice. All of my head knowledge about the Bible was starting to come together but I still didn’t understand the most important pieces, and the exposure of my transgressions and weaknesses made a coward of me. Much like Adam and Eve, I fled from God to try to protect myself (Genesis 3:10).

I was scared of judgment. I was scared be still. I was scared to leave my fate up to someone I didn’t really understand and spent my life avoiding. I had heard John 3:16 so many times that I never looked to the next verse that says For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. To be saved and to be safe became a growing hunger and my time to discover satisfaction and fullness was nearer then I knew.

Minnesota lakes start freezing over around November and it seems like the thawing process doesn’t happen until after the fireworks during the 4th of July. The ice can thicken up to several inches; enough to where setting up fishing huts and taking a pick-up truck out onto it is an annual tradition for some of the bolder folks. One November night, my boyfriend and I at the time were driving in his car when he discovered that I had not been one of the bold few to drive out on a frozen lake and he decided that we ought take a few laps. Finding the nearest lake in the land of 10,000 was not hard to do, and before long we were off to the races like it was the Daytona Speedway.

After lap one, I had my fill but before protesting we were off for number two. Lap three came after some deliberation, but to no avail he set out to whip another donut. Rounding the curve on our way back to dry land, we treaded onto ice that looked more like the shavings of a snow cone. The weight of the car proved to be more than the surface could handle. This time around the wheels stalled. The world paused, and in the next minute the car broke through the ice. We became exposed to the threat of the rising waters wrapping it’s arms around the vehicle attempting to reel us into the depths.

My life didn’t flash before my eyes. I didn’t beg God to save us. I didn’t make anymore promises I knew I couldn’t keep, to bargain my way out. I just wondered how long the breath in my lungs would last if we were to completely submerge. For a moment I resigned to put up a fight. I just blankly kept thinking…

Am I going to make it out….am I going to make it out?

I wondered if it was possible to ever find solid ground away from the false sense of security I feared yet continued falling in to.

Job 14:5 says that our days are numbered and God has the authority over each one. By His mercy, the window on the driver’s side rolled down out of nowhere and we were both able to climb out in time to gain solid footing and graze towards land. Together we watched the car get swallowed up as the headlights beneath the dark waters cast up two eerie spotlights into the night sky. I was unable to give rest to the remaining hours of the night, yet even that had not been enough to shake me and step completely into the light of day.

I think God spared me because my heart’s affections were not yet His and He wanted it, as the lover of my soul (Jeremiah 31:3).