14. lost & found

Summer had passed, the world began showing small glimpses of pre-covid times, and my routine began to see a little more variety. The day on the lake was still on my mind, but it was like a hot plate passed to me fresh from the dishwasher. It hurt and I fumbled with the emotions, not wanting to fully hold onto them and unsure how to put it all away.

One night I went to dinner with a new friend, and after disclosing some of my story about how I ended up in North Carolina, she said a few words that would catapult me onto new grounds. In response to me, she said “wow, you must have been really far from God to be doing what you were doing huh”?

My initial reaction was to go on defense and deny her accusation. How dare she say something like that…I’ve been a pastor’s kid my whole life…and Me?! far from God, try the other way around, did you not just hear all the things that have happened to me?

Brushing off the comment, we said our goodbye’s after finishing our meal, but I departed with something I could not shake. In reflection a few days after, the full realization of her words struck me like lightning. Painfully, her statement grew legs and stood firm in the forefront of my mind.

She was right.

The only way I could have been living for so many ship wrecked years; in brokenness, hopelessness, defeat, discontentment, anxiety, and fear was because I was further from God, rather than the other way around.

Proverbs 3: 5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight.

I had heard this verse countless times, seen it on bumper stickers, and even used it as my screen saver. But the words I failed to latch onto were submit and trust. Those were two things I had deserted on the side of the road as my misconceptions claimed the only thing God will do is rebuke or punish me and people are never honest. Submitting to anything other than myself and the pursuit of my own personal happiness above all else seemed like wasted energy.

I believed a lot of lies over the years, but the most detrimental was that I had been a follower of Christ, when really I had never accepted Him for all that He says He is and all that He has done and will do. Jesus could see right through to my heart (1 Samuel 16:7) where the walls were plastered with lawlessness, pride, unbelief, and sin that needed to be dealt with.

Something clicked a little while after that dinner and I realized I did not love God, and I had only said yes to wanting to go to Heaven, because Hell was the scarier option. I wanted “fire insurance” but I did not want Jesus. I didn’t understand Him and the fear of sitting still and trying to, blinded me for nearly my entire life.

My foundation had been that I was “saved” because of a forgotten childhood prayer. But there was no evidence of a new manner of life I was willing to surrender to here and now on earth- according to the Bible and through Christ’s transformational power. I had not experienced the spiritual riches of really knowing Jesus.

I don’t know why God chose the timing He did to soften my heart and enable me to know that He is on my side and was calling my name; but on a mundane Monday morning, in the quiet of my bedroom God staked a trembling fear of something entirely different into my soul.

For the first time I was afraid for my salvation. The shuttering of an earthquake would have been more subtle. I called my dad and wept uncontrollably, crying, “I am afraid!! I think I am further away from God than I could have imagined and I think I’m too far gone for Him to save me!” On the phone, he said those were the very words he had been praying to hear come from my mouth for quite some time.

My dad told me that to even have a desire for Jesus was an indicator that I was not a lost cause. So I prayed like I had never prayed before. The words flowing from my mouth begged for this desire to become real to me. I pleaded to experience Him and somehow know who He really is. I became aware of everything that had been putting me to shame and sent me running and I just opened my hands and offered it up saying, “God this is all I have, I want you to see me and take it all, I can’t do this life on my own anymore. Help me to want you.”

After all my wandering, seeking other pleasures, and misconceptions, in a way I can only explain as divine intercession, God calmed my heart and I repented for the first time. In the past, I felt guilty for the things that went wayward and I felt sorry for myself when experiencing consequences for my actions; but I never turned away from those things towards Christ. I never grieved in a way where I understood that my sin put Jesus on the cross, or in a way that understood my need for a Savior.

But in that moment of surrender and full intended exposure, all at once the Gospel message rushed in as the best news in the world and it made sense to me and for me. I didn’t just believe Jesus existed …I trusted in God’s ability to wash away everything from the past and make me new. He felt as close as the breath in my lungs and I fell face to the carpet humbled and utterly overwhelmed with peace and joy, and a genuine love for God Himself. It was like I awoke from the best night of sleep, and everything that bogged me down in darkness and blindness was lifted away.
My heart pumped, rejuvenated and full of a new kind of vibrancy. I was brought from death to life. My soul could hardly be contained as if it were reaching towards the Heavens to cling around the neck of my Father who had carried me to this moment.

There was nothing I could offered Him, except years of rebellion and mistakes, but it’s the weakness and sin in me that He uses as currency in exchange for grace, righteousness, and sanctification.

My debt was great but it was paid in full. Because of Jesus I stand innocent and perfect in front of God (Colossians 2:13-14). I shamed God’s holy name but He still offered me dignity, honor and a great identity (2 Corinthians 5:21). Satan’s influence and dark devious spiritual powers were broken because of Jesus’ victory on the cross (Hebrews 2:14). I know there is no longer condemnation chasing me down, just the sweet call of conviction, gratitude for the wonderful things God has done in the past, and a hope that for every tomorrow I can open my hands once again and say “take what I have and give me more of You, Lord.”

No longer is the story of the lost sheep or the prodigal’s son just inspiring tales to share with someone else. I am no longer the broken hearted girl looking through the window at all of the free people, wishing that could be real for me. In my soul I understand that I was the lost sheep, but Jesus came for me and will never abandon me. I believe that I was the prodigal’s son, but God rich in mercy opened His arms and welcomed me into His acceptance and love. I have been adopted into this King’s family.

I looked to the world and to myself for so long and there is no number to tally up the mistakes and collateral damage I caused searching for who I am and to whom I belong. I’m certain that until Heaven life will not be perfect and I will still struggle with trying to live life my own way instead of God’s way, but trusting in the perfector of my faith to sustain me is where my peace comes from.

My life now and forevermore is complete being the daughter of this Jesus. I belong in His family. My purpose is this identity. Trials and temptation won’t come to an end on this side of eternity, and my circumstances on earth have not become magically ideal, but it is well with my soul.
To be a follower of Christ is no longer the itchy sweater I can’t wait to shed, it is the robe of dignity and beauty that can never be stripped away no matter what. My joy and freedom are found seeking the Lord and loving Him with all my heart, mind, and soul.

The old is gone and I am a new creation because of Jesus.
He has given me the grace to feel content because where I am He is there also and all is right between us. I look across the battlefield of anxiety, worry, and fear and see all the ways that the enemy can snare me, but I am able to stand my ground with the courage of an army of warriors, with God on my side, and tell the devil it is his turn to flee.

The lies that were spoken to me are now nothing compared to what Christ says about me. I trade my feeble pursuits and goals for God’s purposes that are ultimate and transcend into eternity. My shame and guilt have been lifted away. I place everything into Jesus’ hands because He is God and I am not. My heart can only cry holy, holy, holy are you Lord.

I know who I am and I know who God is.

I am His and He is mine.

Isaiah 43:1.