7. words words

My first yes no maybe note, came from a blonde haired blue-eyed boy. Shot by cupid’s arrow, I checked “yes” and by the time I handed back my answer, the group of girls with me giggled as our cheeks flushed pink. The giddiness of who had a crush on who, vibrated the air around us. Fairytales of who my prince charming would be, ranged from a knight on a noble steed, an inspired artist, a soldier returning home from war, to a rebel without a cause.

Although that first elementary crush did not lead to a white dress and wedding bells, a desire to find love and be married young set in like cement.

My parents have been a remarkable example to gauge what a relationship is intended to be like. They met in college and have now known each other longer than they haven’t. The two interact like best friends and peace walks in the room with them wherever they go. My mom serves those around her graciously and she gives without restraint to our family and her husband. My dad leads with fierce unwavering integrity and I have never once doubted that he would stop at nothing to shield my mom and help her flourish as the woman Christ has called her to be. I know that they trust not just the emotions and the flesh, but the Holy Spirit that is working and residing in one another.

Divorce was never threatened and they taught me that the center of two people should be a heart that has been fully captivated by Jesus, because a cord of three is not easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12). Throughout many difficult seasons and unnerving hardships, they have demonstrated the strength of this union; as the quality of their love only seems to purify during the trials.

I wanted a love like this, but I used movies as my guide/standard…completely bypassing the reason their marriage has been able to thrive. My identity continued to sway. No root formed to grow from the overflow of precious ways that God speaks over me as the first and true lover of my soul.

1 John 4 : 19 says

“We love because He first loved us”

This is a short verse, but it lacks nothing in power and if understood, can give way for incredible freedom because love is a driving force. We see it cause people to do crazy, stupid, selfless, heroic, and even sacrificial things.

I attended a wedding once where the ceremony was held outside. As the vows were being exchanged, rain poured down and freezing winds pelted us from every angle! All the while, both bride and groom stood there, hand in hand, looking into each other’s eyes, professing promises to each other as if it were sunny and 75 degrees. It was a beautiful picture and my soul longed for a union so sweet and strong. I craved a real love, that beckoned me to say, of course I would forsake all else except you. I wanted a love so deep and sure I could do nothing but stand firm, pelting freezing rains and all, and exclaim in front of everyone… I choose you!

I didn’t realize at the time that I was pining for the love that Jesus offers every moment of every day.

At this point, I had yet reveled in utter amazement that every syllable and sentence in the Bible has been breathed out by God to be written down as a living and active love letter. Love is most beautifully, heroically, sacrificially, and perfectly demonstrated by our Creator.

He calls me Beloved and pours out promises that nothing can separate me from Him (Romans 8: 37-38) if I would stand firm and say Jesus I choose you above all else, because I can see so clearly that you have chosen me (1 Peter 2:9; John 15:16).

Nonetheless, equipped with only my I’ve got this mentality, I set the expectation that the type of relationships I had seen would happen for me too; and before long, I thought the guy to obtain this strong bond with had come into my life.

My families words to me growing up were like honey. They sung to melodious tunes titled

sunshine

precious

cherished

As a child, I arose to dance happily around the mellow hues of these spoken attributes. In my teens, I blushed and retreated when a compliment was given, but held onto it and let the warmth fill me. And with the start of a new relationship, the expectation to be uplifted the same way floated around in my daydreams; but I was young and so naive, never before experiencing the number of different ways there are to hurt another person in manners that can and cannot be seen. Appearances are a fickle thing. My vision had been a mirage and I soon found myself in the middle of a toxic relationship.

The misty showers of a familiar and kind choir shut off as a ravenous hose of new words drenched me to the core.

worthless

damaged

trash

useless

disgusting

Sin had crept its despicable ways through footholds and demolished all things innocent and pure. I had wanted to give my love and be loved, but so much more was taken. And the enemy found grounds to seek, kill, and destroy. The image of myself spoiled, rotten as lies slithered around me. I got stuck waist deep in the muck of wicked shame, regret, and sexual immorality that I was entirely unprepared for.

Like Alice in Wonderland, I fell into a world I so thought that I had wanted and thought I knew how to obtain. The lowest emptiest valley on earth became the cavity in the coral of my ribcages. I drafted echoed odes in an attempt to comfort myself and hoped to one day be able to walk out of the darkness surrounding me… one in particular sounded like this…

sometimes when he makes me feel like I am nothing

I run out to the train tracks and sit waiting for it to come

when it does, I yell and cry at the top of my lungs and

throw my body into the air like a rag doll, grabbing fists full of rocks until the knuckles bleed

I launch them into the sky and ask God for all the reasons why

then when the sweat drops and my breath is hard to catch

I release the rocks…straighten up…walk home and say,

what else can I do for you today.

The thing I wanted most, became an idol and then a cage, convincing me that there was no way out. No other lie had been conditioned into my mind more than no one good would ever want me the same way that this person did.

But the way this guy seemed to want me was through guilt trips, stonewalling, pressure, fear, and manipulated physicality.
I knew I had been deeply wronged, a voice inside my heart said,

Run. Get out!

But lies gripped me and I believed these things were just the trademarks of relationships that nobody ever talked about.

In the book Soul of Shame, Thomson writes about the damaging effects of shame to be this…

“I find it virtually impossible to turn my attention to something other than what I am feeling…I am unable to think coherently, and my logical thought processes, which usually help me make good choices, are unavailable to regulate my right brain, from which all the emotion is pouring. Furthermore, my memory is inducted with old implicit network activity, recollections of other times I have felt this, and I am unable to marshal the necessary memories of strength and confidence I desperately need in at that moment. Shame is overtaking me. I then begin to construct a narrative that predicts a bleak and pessimistic future. I am unable to tell a whole story, certainly not one in which I am loved by God unconditionally and life, in the end, will be okay.”

This narrative of a bleak and pessimistic future latched onto me like the stench of a sewer. An ending to my story, where I could be someone worth fighting for, worth being cared about, and worth those precious words spoken/attributed to me once again, no longer seemed like a possibility. I was cut down, stepped over, and what remained was just another trench to fall into.

I pressed my hands upon my bleeding heart, but only found a burial ground for my hopes to lay. The arms around me telling me my fate, allowed no moment to waver. I could look back just one more time as I was led astray.

Proverbs 13:12 says hope deferred makes the heart sick. Sick is exactly how I felt and the symptoms included: pushing people away, struggling with body image/Dysmorphia, anxiety choking the life out of me, and loneliness wrapping itself around every circumstance.

Uncertainty of what a chain reaction would be like to end the relationship, scattered my nerves like marbles on a newly waxed floor. But with the help of a few friends and a surge of unbridled courage, I sputtered enough.

But the time spent berated by lies and shame and sin broke off pieces of me. I looked around at the rubble and wreckage of who I had become and shook with grief.

I figured ….ok so now I am the girl with a sordid past.

Now I am “ex” who doesn’t deserve to be loved.

Now everyone will look at me and judge me and throw me out with the garbage.

Now there is absolutely no way that God could ever want to come close to me.

Now I am a complete and total disappointment to my parents and family.

Forget blooming and being beautiful in a wide open plain…Now I must keep running, just to find grounds for survival.

The relationship had been put to an end and like so many times before, I rolled up my sleeves, told myself to dig deep into a reservoir of self- sufficiency and focus on what I could control. I wiped away my tears, put everything said and done to and by me, in a box and buried it deep within my heart.

By that time, my body had healed and I was cleared to be a volleyball player again.